shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
