I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
