just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
