just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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