Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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