The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
