I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How does it feel to date your dad?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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