I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
