Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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