So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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