I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
