I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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