Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize