Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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