Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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