Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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