last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
