he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How external is "for external use only"?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
