bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
