I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
