when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
