There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
