Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
