I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
