I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
