everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
