I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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