I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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