only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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