I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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