Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
