the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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