I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
