sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
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