She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
