Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
