My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
