Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
