There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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