Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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