The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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