All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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