I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
