Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
