I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
