i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
