She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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