the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
