At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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