: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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