cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
