I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
