I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
