By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize