apparently the secret to your success is patron
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
