And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
