he wants to bone in the snuggie
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
