I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
