i just sent this text using only my big toe
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
