I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
