I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
