I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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