the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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