I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
